So I’m online doing my usual last-minute gift browsing – presents for nieces and nephews in mind – when I come upon a list of “The Best New Toys of 2022 for Kids of All Ages.” And as helpful as the article is, I’m having trouble getting past item 17: a “Soft Plush Animal Toy Gift Set.” The featured critter in this set consisting of plush toy, book, and collectible card?
Search no further: it’s Bigfoot.
Yes, it would appear the great Sasquatch of lore – the alleged descendant of Neanderthals gutting it out in the great Northwoods and mostly just trying to be left alone – has been tasked, like so many celebrities before, to endure something of a makeover.
First, there’s nothing in the promo copy noting that the wooly one of legend has been thought to be, as its time-honored moniker would suggest, big in any respect. Surely you ought to give the hulking biped of massive shoesize that much.
No, the plush toy, like the infants and toddlers it’s designed for, is more of a baby Bigfoot – two feet tall, tops, with tootsies proportionate.
Not only that, this mini stuffed Bigfoot is smiling.
Sorry, but that doesn’t square with the surly Sasquatch of collective memory, the one skulking away at speed as if you’ve abruptly walked in on its woodsy wanderlust.
Meanwhile, Brittanica online dutifully reports that the creature in question is “variably described as…often giving off a foul smell and either moving silently or emitting a high-pitched cry.”
Now, I get why manufacturers would nix the aroma – though it would be a tempting add-on for certain relatives – but would a sound-producing squeeze of the toy be so bad? Don’t we owe the mythical beast a bit of verisimilitude? Would you hawk a unicorn without a horn on its head? Sell a Cyclops with two eyes?
And if all this weren’t enough re-branding of the fabled backwoods behemoth, consider the summary of the accompanying book:
Bigfoot’s heartwarming story of acceptance and strength helps build children’s self-esteem. Through interactive affirmations kids learn how to say positive things about themselves, providing an early foundation of confidence and self-worth.
Wow. Wait a minute. Is that really Bigfoot’s story? Did Bigfoot ink a deal with the Hallmark Channel while we were out trying to track it down in the forest? Did Stuart Smalley of Saturday Night Live fame serve as agent? Has a long-lost Norman Rockwell painting – of Sasquatch reveling at the kid table at Christmas dinner – been unearthed?
What’s next, the Adorable, Ameliorative, In-No-Way-Abominable Snow Man? Or, as new housemate to Elf on the Shelf: Cute, Curative Yeti at the Head of the Beddy?
Oh, how the mighty of myth have fallen!
Hmm, okay – so maybe that was actually a little therapeutic.
Guess I can move on to item 18 now.
D.G. Lott's column comes to us on the final Friday of each month.