Thinking about our republic being kind of bananas, I recently checked out the website of the clothing store of that approximate name – and especially its Heritage Collection.
The lead-in to this clothing line: Discover pieces inspired by our history, a story of daring vision and imagined journeys, with designs featuring premium details and materials crafted for a lifetime of adventure.
Um, can’t I just buy a pair of pants?
Turns out I can’t, because the singular “pant” subs for “pants” in every case. There’s the Traveler Pant, the Riding Pant, and the Explorer Pant, among others.
Apparently you can’t just sit still wearing a pant.
And this is just the start of the active trouser items on offer.
Check out this beauty: the Archives Smithfield Pleated Rapid Movement Chino.
First off – six words for one pant? Really? Secondly, how am I supposed to try it on if it’s in rapid movement? Plus if I want clothing associated with archives, won’t a second-hand store do just dandy?
But then, thankfully, there’s this option: the Relaxed Movement Chino. Finally some restful motion instead of all that rapidity, not to mention the riding and exploring.
Halleluiah, I say.
Still, there’s the whole upper body left to furnish, and for this, the site does reach another level.
One of my favorites: the Denim Chore Coat.
At last, a coat for all my chores! Time to throw out all those non-chore coats I’ve been wasting on chore-doing. Like the chores involving a truck.
Oh, wait! For that, there’s something better: the Suede Trucker Jacket. Or maybe I’m supposed to use the jacket for driving and then switch it out for the coat when the chores start?
By the way, can’t you just imagine all those fashionista truck drivers out there clambering for this jacket before climbing into the rig? Did I mention it’s listed at $500?
And hey, ladies? Not to worry. This site has you – yes, I’m going to say it – covered, too.
There’s the Expedition Dress (for all the expeditions you long to don a dress for), the Suede River Vest (for all the times you plan to fish the Suede River), the Suede Utility Blazer (yes, combinable with the Utility Mini Dress for double the utility), and the Coastal Cardigan (no, there’s not an Inland Cardigan option – that would be absurd).
All in all, from a historical point of view, let’s just say the Heritage Collection seems a bit short-sighted.
Which reminds me – the women’s Suede Explorer Short?
You got it – no s.
D.G. Lott's column comes to us on the final Friday of each month.