Good thing babies can’t read – it spares them from a lot of nutty ad copy. Especially for products aimed at curtailing their fussing and crying.
Take the Baby Shusher, a small battery-operated device that makes a periodic “shoosh” sound to put your baby to sleep.
One of its promo lines: “Using a real human voice, lull your baby to sleep with a calming shush.”
Um, I don’t know about you, but most of the parents I know already have a real human voice capable of producing that exact same all-natural sound. So do most of the siblings, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles and cousins. Oh, and the babysitters.
Another favorite line: “It’s like a massage for their mind.”
Maybe so, but the $34.99 price tag (plus future battery purchases) is not likely to sound all that mentally soothing to most.
Meanwhile, perhaps it’s a runny nose that has your baby uncomfortable or upset. Fear not – there’s the “SnotSucker,” a product self-described as “your go-to natural, hygienic baby booger buster.”
Uh, maybe not my own go-to, as the device’s instructions call for an adult mouth at one end of a suction tube and a major mound of baby mucous at the other.
My favorite comment from the customer reviews: “Not gonna lie, I was a bit grossed out when the first glob of snot came rocketing into the suction tube.”
Yes, it may be, as claimed, “Doctor invented and recommended,” but for the phlegm-phobic among us, it just feels like a new twist on an old line: “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
And speaking of an old stand-by, consider a few pacifiers.
Here’s one: “the pearl crystal embellished pacifier” from a site calling itself a “Baby Luxury Boutique.”
While your infant is peacefully plying away at the “non-toxic, hygienically designed, natural bite-resistant materials” on one end of the binky, there’s shiny binky-bling for all to see on the other, with “the classic amount of sparkle and beauty” cited as “a showstopper!”
No doubt the showstopping quality really puts the child at ease.
Not to be outdone, a similar site offers a “Protective Eye Bling Pacifier” that features on its non-sucking side an elaborate blue eyeball design surrounded by white rhinestones.
Why the eye?
“The Protective Eye, also known as the evil or all seeing eye, wards against evil and protects the wearer from harm.”
So, obviously: “By getting your baby the Protective Eye Bling Pacifier…you are ensuring your baby is protected at all times. Even when he or she is not near.”
Please. Somebody pass me the shusher.
Bonus Lines
Got an unintentionally amusing line or phrase from anywhere in the business world? Email it to us at linesofcommerce@foothillsbusinessdaily.com and if we use it, you’ll receive $5 plus your name (or alias) in print.
Here’s a sample from SurfaceTension:
The Neutrogena slogan “For People With Skin” has offended some consumers. Maybe the catchphrase should be “Not For People With Thin Skin.”