So I’m scrolling through a health magazine when an ad-like article headline pops up:
"Breakfast Cereals Are Better Than Multivitamins, This Dietitian Says."
Um, really? Even Lucky Charms, currently under FDA review?
That leprechaun may need to lawyer up, by the way. His legacy could go rather quickly from “magically delicious” to “tragically litigious.”
Anyway, I presume the magazine is plugging cereals with “organic” or “real fruit” on the label. Or ones that take out the cookie-sounding word from their name and sub in something more health-friendly – instead of “Golden Grahams,” it’s “Golden Turmeric.”
No kidding – there really is an organic cereal called “Golden Turmeric” out there. Picture a crazed, cartoon spokes-animal called Turmeric Turtle screaming at the top of its little reptilian lungs, “I’m TURNED ON by TURMERIC!!”
Yeah, the cartoon part I made up.
Meanwhile, it turns out the magazine article is not at all about cereals usually considered healthy. Quite the opposite. It’s about the kinds of cereals you thought you weren’t supposed to eat – yes, the sugary ones.
And these are better than multivitamins how? Well, in the words of the dietitian:
…your non-organic big brand name cereals are fortified with A LOT of nutrients (article’s emphasis)
Okay, but there seems to be something missing from the analysis – like, say, A LOT of sugar? Did that get extracted from these products while I wasn’t looking?
No, in fact sugar is listed as second-highest on the ingredient list for all four of the cereals the nutritionist touts as nutrient-fortified.
Not only that, but I can tell you there’s at least one multi-nutrient cereal of this ilk that even comes with a sugar bonus: Wendy’s Frosty Chocolatey Cereal – yes, modeled after the ice-cream-like dessert beloved of fans of the fast-food chain.
The bonus? Any purchase comes with a free small Frosty from Wendy’s! (No, you can’t make this stuff up.)
Number 2 ingredient in the cereal? You guessed it: sugar. Right above marshmallows.
Number 2 ingredient in a Frosty? Bingo: sugar. Right above corn syrup.
And hey – while you’re picking up your sweet reward at the restaurant, you might as well treat yourself to another. Come on, they’re small, and the first one was free!
Why not just call the cereal Gateway to Diabetes?
All in all, “better than multivitamins” seems a bit of a stretch. Unless by “better” we mean sugary cereals are tastier, more outlandish, more memorable, and funnier.
Oh, and catchier. Just ask Turmeric Turtle.
D.G. Lott writes the monthly humor column Lines of Commerce for FoothillsBusinessDaily.com.
Bonus Lines
Got an unintentionally amusing line or phrase from anywhere in the business world? Email it to us at linesofcommerce@foothillsbusinessdaily.com and if we use it, you’ll receive $5 plus your name (or alias) in print.
Here’s a sample from DownOnEnergy:
Nearly purchased an energy bar with the slogan, “Ingredients you can see and pronounce.” Except then I noticed one of its ingredients was “annatto.” Don’t recognize it, can’t pronounce it, and my autocorrect just changed it to “Anatolia.”