With the calendar sidling up to springtime, I warm to a favorite source of nutty sales pitches: ads for camping gear. Think camping is about the simplicity of the great outdoors? Well, you may want to reconsider.
Check out this pitch:
Embrace Your Wanderlust
Dare to dive into deep waters, traverse undiscovered trails, and conquer ambitious climbs.
Sounds exciting, adventurous, and dynamic, right?
Except it turns out this is a plug for a set of three cast iron pans, a product line called the Wanderlust Series. Yes, that’s “cast iron” as in “kind of hard to lug around while you’re exploring the glories of God’s green acre.” Together, the pans come to over 20 pounds.
And yes, the pans have individual names of similar girth. (Please – Wanderlust Series alone would hardly be enough.) Those would be the Cast Iron Dual Handle Camper Pan, the Cast Iron Cabin Combo Cooker, and the Cast Iron Tent Skillet. Heck, the monikers themselves weigh in at a hefty 15 words and 25 syllables!
Say good-bye to deep water diving, trail traversing, and ambitious climb conquering.
Say hello to plodding from campsite to campsite, getting a hernia, and calling your doctor.
Still, as far as risk goes, this is amateur stuff if we’re talking camping gear. How about this pitch from the alleged World’s Brightest Flashlight:
A compact, portable searchlight that is capable of producing an incredible 4100 lumens of intense white light. Use this power to guide your way home, light a fire, or even fry an egg!
Can it really still be called a flashlight if it can light a fire? Surely there are other names for that sort of thing – like, say, blowtorch?
And if it can light a fire, how might that play out back at the campsite?
Dad (at bedtime): Johnny, is that burning leaves I smell outside our tent?
Johnny: No, Dad, I was just out there using the new flashlight to finish going over my homework.
Dad: So, what happened?
Johnny: Oh, it’s finished.
And if this flashlight can actually light a fire, what’s the big deal about frying an egg? Wouldn’t you just use it to get the campfire going and then cook up whatever you wanted? Provided you had managed to carry with you to the site your Cast Iron Dual Handle Camper Pan, of course.
Of all the risk-related passages in the flashlight copy, though, this one short phrase stands out:
100% Legal Guaranteed
They have to guarantee the product is legal? That sounds perilously close to “100% Trouble Guaranteed.”
Ah, camping. The pleasures of the simple life.
D.G. Lott writes the monthly humor column Lines of Commerce for FoothillsBusinessDaily.com.
Bonus Lines
Got an unintentionally amusing line or phrase from anywhere in the business world? Email it to us at linesofcommerce@foothillsbusinessdaily.com and if we use it, you’ll receive $5 plus your name (or alias) in print.
Here’s a sample from MoreThanAScratch:
Saw this slogan in an ad for bandages a while back: “Be Wound Care Prepared.” What happened to the light and carefree the days of “I Am Stuck on Band-Aid?”