How much do I love the blather in ad copy for high-end mattresses? Yes, too much.
And it’s often because of their ridiculously scientific claims, like this:
…made with the same pressure-relieving material originally developed by NASA to absorb the g-force of astronauts traveling to space – and perfected by our scientists for sleep.
Doesn’t it sound like the mattress scientists – the ones who “perfected” the material – are a step or two ahead of the folks at NASA?
Neil Armstrong: Is it just me, Buzz, or is the g-force up here in the lunar module getting to you, too?
Buzz Aldrin: Yeah, Neil, I hear ya – maybe Houston can patch us through to some top-notch mattressologists down on Earth to help relieve the pressure.
Neil: Hold up – I did remember to stuff the most recent copy of Mattress Science Quarterly in my space suit just before lift-off. Bound to be some helpful tips there.
And if “to the moon” doesn’t speak to you, there’s always “over the moon,” as in this proposal from a rival company:
After you buy your mattress online, we’ll ship it for free. If you’re not in love we have a 100-night trial.
Whoaa – did I get that right? A 100-night trial if I’m not in love?! You mean like a mattress company’s version of the 1001 Nights, where the legendary beauty Scheherazade shows up to the bedside to weave one magical tale after another! There’s not a dating site in the world that can match that policy!!
Oh wait – my bad. They mean If you’re not in love WITH THE MATTRESS. The old proposition-minus-preposition trick.
And there’s always this line from another competitor:
We Make Mattress Shopping Simple
Yes, this is the same outfit exhorting the reader to Get To Know its premier mattress’s five Premium Layers, the first of which is a breathable poly-blend cover featuring heat-conductive copper fibers alongside other heat wicking, cooling technology.
That sound simple?
Not to me – simple is a snooze on the sofa.
Come to think of it, don’t mind if I do.
Bonus Lines
Got an unintentionally amusing line or phrase from anywhere in the business world? Email it to us at linesofcommerce@foothillsbusinessdaily.com and if we use it, you’ll receive $5 plus your name (or alias) in print.
Here’s a sample from ActualDogFoodForSale:
Noticed this featured prominently on a bag of dog food: OCEAN-CAUGHT WHITEFISH. Pretty sure my dog doesn’t know what an ocean is.